Armitage Shanks

Obama fo prez!

2008-11-03T10:31:00.000-08:00

VOTE OBAMA! THE ORIGINAL G!

2007-07-08T05:31:00.000-07:00

Ahoy you filthy apes!

Hope life is sweet and all is hot. Just a quick instant message for a great show that has been on my mind of late...Carnivale. This show is mega awesome, like MEGA AWESOME SWEET KICKASS!!!...seriously

Anyway, it was cancelled 2 years ago cause HBO sucks ass. The story's as follows:

One of the greatest shows ever, won 5 emmys and countless other awards as well as tons of nominations (not that it matters). It was launched in September 2003, produced by and aired on HBO.

Ran for only 2 seasons whereas it was meant to run for a full 6. Season 1, Sept - Nov 2003. Season 2, Jan - March 2005. Real. Cinematic. Bliss.

Extremely expensive to produce, and till date, rumoured to be the most expensive show in HBO/television history. HBO decided the average ratings at the time (God knows why) did not match the budget so they decided to give it a boot.

As a result, huge plotlines were left hanging, biggest loose end at the end of Season 2 left everyone holding their knobs in anger. Enter pissed off fans who want the show back and beat all HBO execs with their angry knobs. Many petitions have been signed, fans have called and abused HBO to bring it back and a true testement to the show, when both Season 1 and 2 were released on DVD, they flew off the shelves at record numbers due to its retarded popularity and cult like following.

I ask you, my one and a half readers, to watch this show and absorb its awesomeness, and once you've done this, visit the site below and click the "top ten things YOU can do right now and more" and get involved. Additionally, you can stick the following banner on your site and spread the word.

You can click on the link below to find out more:

http://www.savecarnivale.org/

Or visit wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carniv%C3%A0le for more info on the show.

Carnivale may be one of the greatest expressions of art of our time and a story that needs to be told.

Let's bring it back and give it the ending it deserves. I'll leave you with the chilling intro to the first episode, read by Samson, head of the carnival:

"Before the beginning, after the great war between heaven and hell, God created the Earth and gave dominion over it to the crafty ape he called man...and to each generation was born a creature of light and a creature of darkness...and great armies clashed by night in the ancient war between good and evil. There was magic then. Nobility. And unimaginable cruelty. And so it was until the day that a false sun exploded over Trinity, and man forever traded away wonder for reason."

PEACE!

KQF.

ps; I'll be back...

soon...

2006-12-26T22:39:00.000-08:00

I have been away for awhile. I know I need a beating. It seems I have somewhat of a regular fanbase. Well not really, but I do appreciate them check-ins (especially from hotties - you know who you are zexy!)
Also, married people can never be kool. Even if the koolest dude in the world, (Ryu Hayabusa, the exalted ninja leader of the dragon lineage) got married, he wouldn't be kool anymore. And his vow to his nanja clan was to be kool at all times, even when on the toilet or picking his nose.
Well, without getting into too much detail, I have a new ladyfriend who has monopolized my time. Work is a bitch, like a real ugly bitch with bad skin that smells like a raw egg in a dog's ass. My family has gone nuts. My friends are gay. However, throughout it all, I have managed to become more awesome. It's like when the Hulk keeps getting his ass kicked, and he gets so angry that he gets way more powerful and fully pounds on like 37 bad guys until they're blue in the dick.
My slut management idea tanked. I was really into it, I even started a website, like a proper one without www.slutmanagementblogspotsinmyunderwear.com, like a proper domain and everything. But no one was interested. I don't get it. It was a stellar idea. I should've put more pics of my giblets, that always helps in every way.
The main reason for this post is Borat. He is now the ultimate dude. Like an ultimate warrior against everything that is normal in western society. He should hold Borat camps in the woods and teach little boys his philosophy. I would totally sport the sexiest moustache and join the camp and eat Azamat's asshole. Below some finger licking quotes. I'm gonna use the third one as my ringtone. Mind you, you have to read all these out loud in a Russian accent while scratching your downstairs department (this goes double for the ladies. Eeez niiiiice!

Borat: This is Natalya. [He kisses her passionately] She is my sister. She is number-four prostitute in whole of Kazakhstan. [She holds up a trophy and smiles] Niiice!

Azamat: Eat my asshole!

Borat: [To Azamat] My moustache still tastes of your testes.

Borat: [singing the Kazakhi national anthem to the tune of the American national anthem] Kazakstan, greatest country in the world/all other countries are run by little girls/Kazakhstan is number-one exporter of potassium/Other Central Asian countries have inferior potassium/Kazakhstan, greatest country in the world/all other countries is run by the gays...

Borat: Although Kazakhstan a glorious country, it have a problem, too: economic, social, and Jew.

Borat: You telling me the man who try to put a rubber fist in my anus was a homosexual?

Borat: Her vagine hang like sleeve of wizard's robe.

Kazkhstan is great. Really great. I wan't to be a Kazakh and rape animals profesionally and on a commission basis. Well maybe not, but it'd be a kool contest to join and come 3rd in. If only.
So what else is new with everyone else. Is blogging still popular? I haven't been to many sites recently and it seems fewer people are coming to mine anf fewer still are updating as frequently as they used to. Or maybe they are and ain't showin the love. The funnniest, ask a Pilipino person to say love. It rules!

ps: I heart Pilipinos...really

cuddles

kqf

Slut management -

2006-10-31T04:55:00.000-08:00

Slut management is basically; the management of sluts. You get a trade license for managing sluts, hire sluts, and manage their slutty attitude. Contrary to popular belief, sluts can be men, women or specific types of farm animals. Chickens, gooses, ducks and horses make good sluts. If you can get your hands on a small to medium sized ferrit, they make great sluts as well. I am not saying this because of comic relief. Farm animals by nature are obedient and therefore, slutty. Rebelious things don't make good sluts.

Slut management is a lucrative business and a great way to start a conversation with hot bitches.

Hot bitch: "Wow, your hot. What do you do for a living? I'm sure you have a sweet job."
Kabooke Quantum Fighter: "I do have a sweet job. How did you know?"
HB: "Well, your obviously hot as hell, your awesome in your Star Wars theme porn movie 'Return of the Japseye,' and you have the biggest wang I have EVER seen."
KQF: "Bitch Please!"
HB: "Seriously. You rock my ovaries."
KQF: "Slick."
{long pause)
HB: "So what do you do?"
KQF: "I manage sluts."
HB: "You manage sluts?!"
KQF: "That's right."
HB: "What does that mean?"
KQF: "Well, I get a slut management trade license, hire sluts and manage their slutty attitude."
HB: "That sounds interesting. Can I join?"
KQF: "Depends. Are you slutty?"
HB: "Like you wouldn't believe. Here...let me show you."

This is when she proceeds to unzip your pants and tounge your balls. Good fun, good coversation and a great dinner table story.

You need to control your overheads and cashflow from the beggining and make sure your sluts are in top form. This usually entails feeding them lots of fibre and protein and cutting back on carbohydrates. I recommend a strict diet of barley, cornflakes and Mexican tapas.
Keep the men, women and animals seperate from each other as they can get rowdy when mixed up. Make sure they smell good and bathe once a week with lemon lime body wash with Ginko extract. When they're out doing their slutty duties, make sure to monitor them with a shock collar and a camera pen. If they try to run or hide, shock them. Some may choose to alos have a shock anal probe to entice their sluts. This is not recommended unless you want flatulent sluts on your hands.
Take them to an art or wax museum every week to give them an appreciation for culture. Do not get them involved with religious groups, political affiliations or local cults as this will make them cranky and pensive.
If you need them to work long hours without complaining, give them coffee beans and tic tacs to chew on. Sluts can be put to work for 20 out of the 24 hrs in a day if treated right and can be exported with only a 5% duty to all commonwealth countries (except the democratic republic of Congo) and Fedex with minimal shipping and handling charges.
I have setup an email address for anyone that wants to partner with me in my next venture
"Worldwide sluts." It's 'worldwidesluts@gmail.com'

Please let me know of any questions, quries of suggestions you may have on my business.

Regards;

KQF

The Robot -

2006-08-16T00:28:00.000-07:00

What is the koolest dance you wish you could do?

Some might say the Samba roolz. Some are partial to sexy Salsa moves or the foxy Foxtrot. Some to sultry Swing or the poke in the bum Polka. Me. I am in awe of:
THE ROBOT.

An importnant point: The only way to do the robot and look kool is to make the noises too; sounds of motors starting and stopping, hinges creaking and pistons whistling. They go something like this:

'vhiiiiiirrrr, tziiiiiiiit, khe-kho-khu, beep-mbeep!, chika-dum - chika-dum.' And offcourse, if ever you are robotting, you have to keep chanting the following lyrics; like a mantra:

"S-s-s-s A-a-a-a F-f-f-f E-e-e-e T-t-t-t Y-y-y-y

Safe, dance!

"We can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to
A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind
And we can dance {x 4}"

Verse 2 (with dinosaurs) -

Safety dance is the best song. Ever. Go to your closest music shop and get it right now. It's about a boy that danced even though his friends thought he was a spas. It is a song about confidence, losing control and erotic victory.

Here are some special tips for perfecting the robot -

Tip 1: Always keep your fingers together.

Tip 2: Keep everything you do sudden like a jolt or popping. It gives people an idea of a robot movement.

Tip 3: Check out a website about the moonwalk that should help you with your leg and feet movement.

Tip 4: Always keep your arms bent, resembling a spike or spear.

Special personal tip: I made my own style that when you hear turn tables in the beats, you shake one hand to the turn tables, and the other hand does the robot, all while makng the sounds. ROCKING!

Ya, so apart from practicing the robot every free second I have, I have been roaming strange hallways, whistling, sliding and being drunk and disorderly with my homie S. She thinks she's kool cause her name is a letter. She's rad tho.
She likes to call me 'the manther' cause of my sexy bod. Well who can blame her. She also wanted me to tell everyone shes likes to dance on tables. Oh, and i am going on holiday. My primary objective is to get to Universal Studios, go on the Jaws ride and hopefully reconfigure the mechanism of the shark so he also does the robot. If I accomplish that, my life is complete.
Hugsies!
KQF.

Stupid life -

2006-06-07T07:11:00.000-07:00

What's your day to day life like? Does anyone have a clear and distinctive pattern of ass to their daily life? I have one. It goes like this. One day good. Next day ass. Next day good. Next day self mutilate. Aaand so forth.
Obviously, for me, the good days it's just like 'eh,' I didn't jam my finger in the sink. It's just not a bad day, which is really the definition of a good day for me.
Good is like I'll be driving, and listening to some kicking beats, and a really head bob part comes in, and your all like bobbing and like 'yeaaa baby untz untz!' and you see an open strech of highway and you floor it and your all 'look at how kool I am! My potential is limitless! This should be the video for this track.
Me - driving - looking sweet - kool like cucumber.'

And then some asshole Mitsubishi Pajero cuts you off driving like 70 k and your like 'moments over.' Then its back to 'eh.' And then you think, well it wasn't that kool a moment. AND THEN you think, dyaam, that wasnt kool at all. What would be randy kool would be to go to town with 3 girls in a wax museum!
And then there are the days when you get bad news, and then worse news, and then ya...I guess thats fine news, and then put industrial solvent in your green tea news.
Today might be cut myself with jagged nailfile day. I lost an extremely important deal at work. Band practice was cancelled. A ladyfriend is probably giving me a boot. I spilt coffee on my tie. Oh and, this is the best. Now this is the kind of thing that actually makes me believe I'm in a sitcom watched by downs syndrome patients. I had to go meet an important collegue, but was in two minds to pee before even though I reaaaally had to get to his office because I was late. But I read somewhere I could get urine in my brain if I don't piss like, all the time. So I went to save my brain. Later, I was washing my hands, fawcet is all bubbling and gargling, spitting even, and then it chills out, and THEEN it looses it and lets out a big dollop of water on....my coffee stained tie! and my pants! WETPANTS! DAMNIT!
I looked in the mirror, shook my head and proceeded to swear at the sky like I was epileptic. I pulled a Basil Fawlty.

Then someone walked into the bog and thought I was mad. Ya why not? The key is probably to not get embarassed. Always think like your walking around with your unit hanging out your zipper and feel koooool about it. Or in my case down the left leg of my pants. OH ZZZZZING!
So I'm a little depressed and probably need to get back on crack. Or meth. Or suck on the back of those drug toads. Hugs for me :(

Trot on my globe -

2006-05-23T01:10:00.000-07:00

These are the places I've been. I procreated with atleast one mammal in each country.

They loved it.

create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide

Endo or exo?

2006-05-01T06:33:00.000-07:00

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question -

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

This is only one sexy theory. If you have any other sexy theories, or theories that aren't sexy (but make them sexy if you can) then please let me know.
This is a discussion that is imperative to global chemistry.

ps: Kudos to Sean S for forwarding this sexy puzzle to me.

I will solve it, with my internet nerds!

Cyanide and Happiness -

2006-03-30T01:20:00.000-08:00

Some brilliant comic strips, stripped and sorted in order of awewsomeness -

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

This guy's got class -

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

This is one of the best ones! What a great April's fools day prank to play with depressed bolemic girls!

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

This one's for Mags -

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I think this has gotta be the winner. Look at their faces when they laugh...it is hilarious. And the dude in the last frame realizing his inner anus. Man I love comics.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Some nakid people owed me a favour.

Ninjas = Sweet-

2006-03-05T22:38:00.000-08:00

You know it. I know it. Now they will know it.

Ninjas are sweet. There is no denying it. Deadly masters of every style of combat and ambidextorous, they can be calm, collected and chilled out or crazy, horny and fucked up and do it with the poise and stealth of a jungle cat.
Chicks can also be considered ninjas also if they have a smokin body and an ass that won't quit.

Oh man I am all about anime girls. Speaking of which check out this site. It converts hollywood celeb types into anime cartoon likes -

Celeb lovers click here-

Sweet huh? Ok what? Ya, back to ninja luv. So as I was sayin like, ninjas are amazing. As I mentioned they are stealthy and sweet and crazy and hormonal, all within like, 12 minutes. They are so quick and sharp they can slice a grapefruit in half with their eyelash.
Ninjitsu has recently penetrated the world of the internet and since 1997, into cybersex as well. Check out bloodninja, the wikidist internet ninja as he puts the ninjaluv on the ladies;

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

HUAAA!

This is actual footage of a ninja in training at a local highway in Utah. Eventually a Dodge Viper thought it was all kool and tried to bust a yellow light and this ninja totalled the car and transformed it into a vacuum cleaner. Needless to say he completed this part of his training with flying colours.

The opposite of ninjitsu is this guy. Dude ate his underwear cause...well, just read it. Him and his kind are the reason ninjas exist.

The dude did get away with it though. There may be a potential ninja in him yet. If y'all want some ninja knowledge or just want to be in the presence of ninjitsu, let me know.

Does this tickle yo' fancy?

2006-01-24T08:22:00.000-08:00

This is how da ladies get down when I come to town;

Because I am KABOOKE which means...

YOU KNOW HOW WE DOOOOO!!!!! Oh man I keep finding sweet stuff on the net and keep adding it to my kicking collection of funnies! Eeeek!

And in other news...

Some funny L.O.T.R shit! They talk about Ninjas...just watch!

Chuck Norris-

2005-12-17T06:26:00.000-08:00

Dudes, this is the sickest shit I have read in a looong time. If anyone is into martial arts, you know Bruce Lee is the man. By default, you also know his caucasian round house kicker of a homie, Chuck mafaking Norris!!! He was in Return of the Dragon, where in the end Bruce Lee gives him such a royal beating, but he wouldn't stay down. Legend! Delta Force 1 & 2, more round house kicks and camouflage pants. Walker Texas Ranger, where he was a sweet cowboy ranger and just kicked everything that came in his path with his slick cowboy boots.
Basically, Chuck is also da man but not as sweet as Bruce, but still sweet, and he doesn't take any shit.

Here are a list of reasons why Chuck will save the human race from Aids, Mad Cow Disease and huge meteors! (read # 10, it's awesome!)

GO CHUCK!

1. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

2. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

3. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

4. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds till what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

5. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

6. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

7. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

8. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

9. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

10. When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

11. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

12. Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

13. If you unscramble the letters in “Chuck Norris” you get “Huck corn, sir.” That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

14. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

15. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

16. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

17. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

18. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya.”

19. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

20. Crop circles are Chuck’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

21. In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and that those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

22. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck allows to live.

23. Chuck played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

24. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.

25. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

This post was stolen from Turnipville. I did a virtual roundhouse kick and this post was copied to mine. Me and Chuck are kool like that.

http://www.turnipville.com/wordpress/

Death Cab for Cutie-

2005-10-22T01:36:00.000-07:00

What an epic string of words. 'Death Cab for Cutie.' Its got a chi flow to it.
What does it mean? Who knows. Where would it be relevant? Sao Paolo maybe.
Oh yaais,I bought meself a wittle toy.
Behold... the Infiniti FX 35!

Well, thats the FX45, but mine looks exactly the same cept the engine is different.
Yep, thats ma gurl right thar. She sits on a coupla 20's, gots aV6 3.2 litre mafucker unda da hooood, YOU KNOOOOOOW!!!
I think I'm gonna call her Rachel McAdams only because I know Rachel would love to ride wid me in this filthy yet tender car.
Also on my mind past few weeks...WHAT THE FUCK?
What the fuck is going on on this shithead planet? Hurricane Katrina, Rita and now Wilma. Sounds like a sweeps episode of Three's Company!
And then, goddamn the godamned, a fucking 7.6 earthquake in Pakistan! (Thats why the shaking flash image at the top of the post te he he).
Right, you must all understand, this area of Pakistan that got hit is the most chilled out, scenic motherfucker on the planet. People that live there have a pulse 20% slower than the rest of ours. Just chillllliin to the next episode.
Fresh air, crystal clear water, the tastiest fruit, pretty ladies, and the friendliest people...hard to believe, but I'm telling you, it is slick slick slick.
And then, if God isn't having enough of a pinball challenge with these plebians, he decides to up the ante and give em a nice earth shaking boot. Talk about being on the recieving end of the boot. These guys are all fasting this month, no eating, drinking, smoking or fucking, the whole month. In fact, they aren't even thinking about fucking...and that shit is near impossible. So just as little Nayla is reciting her pages from the Quran, hungry, thirsty and cold, the ground beneath her begins to shake and ultimately caves away.
I have never experienced an earthquake myself but can only imagine the extent of the mindFUCK it can cause. Can you imagine?? Doubt it.
We all walk the Earth. If that motherfucker starts to cave under you, one of the few 100% constants in your life that you depend on so much that you don't even think about thinking about it, that's really gotta fuck with your cranium. Way to fucking shake a dudes faith...literally! I mean, the profundity of the situation is mind boggling...the month of faith, devotion and prayer goes to hell. And these people pray for really simple things,
'God, forgive me for my sins, keep my family healthy, give my children a good education, grant me a passage to heaven.' And them boom. What do they get in return.
A fucking earthquake!
I'm not going on an anti-God crusade, its just that I know how diffcult fasting is. This month is taxing and is a true testament to the religion. I haven't heard of any other organized religion where people devote a whole month to prayer and starvation. Christians have lent or something, it is similar I think but I don't think its for a month.
To round off, the other day my friend was telling me all the seismic activity has ignited a rumble in the jungle in northern Pakistan as well. Some sleeping volcanoes got a tad bit of a wake up call and have started hooting, hooooting away. So it may be possible that a couple fucking volcanoes might go off there. Lovely.
I think fuck sending em food, medicine and tents. I say drop tonnes of party hats, some rodeo clowns, a couple of circus animals, one or two langoor monkeys and a couple of gallons jack and coke. Hell I'll put on a tutu and do the dandia there.
Anyway, I wish the best for those dudes, truly. They really deserve a break.

Fuck Amtrak!

2005-09-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

Fuck Amtrak! That's right, the one and only signifying railroad that connects the mighty United States from left to right and up to down can eat shit! Why don't they have bullet trains?!? Upgrade motherfuckers! I got on a train from New York to Toronto and it took 16 hours! Do you know long 16 hours is?!? In 16 hours I could've broken my prick neighbours windsheild, eaten 38 doughnuts (with sprinklies), had an eduring gangbang, done a crossword puzzle, saved a small animal from a hyena and topped it off with some tasty jalapeno poppers. 16 fucking hours! No, they didn't say the ride was gonna be that long, they said it'd take around 9. So that's 9 times 2 minus 2...and if they're gonna make me do such hard maths they can fuck themselves even longer...and harder!
Right, I was pissed. And border control back into the States was a bitch too. I was all burnt out and not really coherent and the lady was all over me like a shit on velcrow; 'Where are you going, why, when are you leaving, whats your blood type, whats you dads name, does he drive a Buick, whats Elvis Costello's shoe size, who's the president of Burundy, why doesnt North Korea import more bananas.' All these inane bullshit questions, which I answered like a pro cause I roole. And then she kept her eye on me, like I was some kind of raving spastic. I might as well have put my boxers on my head and put my finger up my ass. Fingering your own ass is rather underated. For example, instead of having 1 minute silences for tragic events, everyone should collectively index their browneyes. This is a one minute silence you will never forget.
I saw Red Eye. What a turd. I looooove Rachel Mcadams though. She is sooo cute that it hurts. If anyone knows if she wants a sexy stud with a bohemoth wang lemme know, I'm on the case.
Oh, by the by, everyone that has a sense of humour must rent Eddie Izzard in New York. He is the best comedian since Engelbert Humperdink...trust me.
One more thing. What is traffic? I mean, how does it take place. No accident, nothing to look at, but people slow down and play the stop and go game. Why? Why does it happen? Ok, one answer is volume. But everyone that drives has been on a road where there isn't traffic filtering in from another exit for like 3 kilometers, there no accident, no roadblock or checkpoint but still everyone slows down and gas, break, honk, gas, honk, break, honk, honk, PUNCH, gas, break, fucking honk! What is more annoying? Seriously? I wish I had laser instead of headlights, I wish!
New York City fucking rocks by the way!

Send me calming comments and vibes, I think I'm having an aneurysm.

Pass Judgement? Or Gas?

2005-08-14T05:25:00.001-07:00

So it's time to pass a little judgement? Or gas? I'm all out of one today. So judgement it is. Or maybe I should gear my body to form a new potent variation of JUDGMENT GAS, a horrific odour that sucker punches you in the groin and calls you fat, useless, ugly or a wanker. Well I guess if your fat, useless or ugly you dont have much to do but wank.
So this blogging thing? Really useful? And I mean Really? REALLY? And when I say 'REALLY?, it's that 'really' when you tilt your head, squint your eyes and say 'really' in that high pitched tone. The one you kind of have to shake your head and say 'Alrite, I really did eat donkey shit at a clown rodeo in Memphis to win a bet with some hilly billies.' No use in hiding it, that 'REALLY' will get you every time.
So the blogging.
Some chunky munky that did 12 situps and weighed in half a kilo less and can't wait to tell her sad but insipring day to day log of her troubled existense. 'Comment: Well done fatty, another 120 to go and your money.' Fat chance.
Some pre-pubesent turd looking to express and impress with his gadgetary knowledge.
'The new NADS22-6X ball massager. It massages your nuts, brews your coffee, has all the Deff Leppard songs on the planet aaaand you get one free ringtone per month!' Only $19.99 from Radioshack!' Shite.
Some chick that lives in London or New York and goes on about how she took an instrospective walk in Hyde or Central park and how 'everyone is so distant and everything in her life is so confusing right now.' Then she sees a pigeon and squirrel fighting over a tic tac and a walnut and how it 'was so cute I had to tell you all about it :) :)!!!!!! Todd, Ashley, Dylan, this ones from you guys tehehehehehehe!!' Beaten with a hammer. Ya, a little bit.
The fucking right wing blogger. These guys need to be locked up in a Guatemalan prison and fed ball cheese for many, many years. They all have an immense blogroll with literally 100's of other shitheads that are part of the 'Neo-conservative tidy whitey glue sniffing alliance confederation of the dickless bloggers of DE YOU, EYESS of AAAYY,' some fucking red and blue elephant and a bumper sticker on the side that says 'proud supporter of Lord Bush, ENRON, the NRA and Martha Stewart.' The articles are all cut and pasted or links to some other blog with similar horseshit to appeal to other neo cons.
The horny wife that only talks about her 'hubby' and hows 'he can be so forgetful and clumsy' but how hes turned her trick turning petrol sniffing life around. 'The other day he really wanted to lay me down and pound me to the ground if you know what I mean *hint hint* but I was like, no way dude, first make me some Uncle Ben's, do the washing and call me pretty then we can get on the case for some rug munching. You need to train your man girls!'
And lastly the people who tell you each and every fucking step of their tedious fucking lives. 'I woke up at 11:32:27, one eyelid opened, then the other, and 250 kilowatts of light entered both eyes, and then my stomach churned, maybe from the 33 sips of root beer I drank last night at 9:36:32, then I felt a rumble in my lower intestine, and then I felt a wet, healing sensation in my burgundy pyjamas. This is when I realised, with blinding obviousness, I shat myself.'
These people also ask rhetorical questions like 'well, what should I do? Can anyone help me? I found some stinky wet panties on our bed and I know for sure Chad is fucking that bitch Mindy from across the hall but how can I be sure?! I'll take it to the lab and get a DNA test then I'll know for sure, right?!' Help me guys?! tehehe.'
And then theres me, sexy, snide and a taaaad cynical, loves to pass judgement and eat doritos. Ok to be fair I can also be poked and prodded into a shoebox and called names, but the point is this personal blogging thing hints signs of weakness on all our parts. That something is more often that not, missing from our real lives.
Think so?

London baby, yaaa!

2005-04-24T04:47:00.000-07:00

Oh...MY...GOD...London is the greatest town ever! All that stuff about bad weather and worse food...well ya it's true most of the time. But when I went this time the weather was fabulous (apart from some days where it hailed and rained) but that was ok cause I was staying at the slickest of pads in Canary Wharf and doing the dirty :)
So I got to London, and then my best friend came and then my other best friend came and then we all literally, got fucked. At first we stuck around London for like 3 days, went to the National Gallery, the Natural History museum, the Satchi museum, the Tate Modern Art Gallery (which is amazing by the way).
After the first couple of days we went up to Cambridge to meet our friend, the PhD in Genetics who went to Cambridge. Ya, hes a genius. Now that town is literally...retarded. It is older than the United States. It was founded in the 14th century I think. Intresting fact about Cambridge...it is called that because the river Cam runs through it and they built a bridge over. No wonder the Brits rock my socks! So simple, so effective.
Anyways we did a bunch of stuff there, we went to Trinity college and one of the oldest libraries in the world and stood where Newton figured out the speed of sound! Now if that doesn't rule I really dont know what does. AND THEN we went punting...my favourite new thing to do! It is like going on a Gondola ride in Venice (which I have also done by the way) but different. Your on this kayak kind of thing, and you get this big stick (which I know all about ladies...awwwwwwwwrite!) and you push the stick down to the bottom of the river to move around. Your allowed to punt yourself if you are skillfull and sexy enough, which is me in a nutshell really. I was an ace at it. We went down the river through Cambridge university, it was a genius cloudy afternoon, and then my PhD friend pulled out a wittle present. Low and behold, it was a spliffy!! EEEE! I think I peed myself a little bit. So we waded down this river, me and my mates, with me as first captain steering our vessel and we smoked joints and drank stella artois and enjoyed every second of it. It was like a little piece of heaven. That night we went to a little club/bar in Cambridge, got hideously drunk and some chick picked me up. We exchanged numbers and she said she'd call me when she got into London.
Anyways, we left the next day back to London. The day after that we went to Bournemoth, which is this little town by the south coast of England where one of my other best friends lives. That was amazing. We went to this house party where everyone was white but it was kool cause we got drunk and mingled with some English country folk. They were like, lets goto a bush party and we were like less do it but then I kinda passed out from being uber-drunk. The next day we went to this even littler town called Kimmerage by the coast and it was...disgusting. It is probably the prettiest view I have ever seen. We stood on a cliff that overlooked the sea and there were rolling hills and cliffs and hot English girls. Again, heaven, and then some.
The last few days in London were reserved for inebriation on a professional level. We were chauffered around in these awesome Mercs...the one day we went to pick up our supply of...ahem...goodies, we had an S320 pick us up. Ok we're not pretentious bastards but then deal in London is that the black cabs run on meters. Ironically these cabs turn out to be more expensive than this Mercedes service which gives you a flat rate. As such we were being driven around in Mercs the whole time we were there. So slick.
Anyways that is my trip in a nutshell. Alot of other stuff happened, random stuff, but maybe in another post. Now I am back home and back to work..sort of.
I recommend London to everyone...I plan to go back in the summer possibly, the weather is amazing then init?!? Has anyone else been there recently? You know you want to. I want an excuse to talk about it more! Did I mention, J'ADORE LONDRES!

A time for blogereflection-

2005-04-02T21:13:00.000-08:00

So I finally have groupies. These groupies however are not the cute horny chicks with an insatiable appetite for blow I've always dreamt about. More like escaped convicts in desperate need of attention and dudes that drank far too much Coors in college.
It all started in a galaxy right around the corner called The Shitty Blogs Club. I joined this club primarily so I could display their 'I'm Shitty' button on my site. Its a slick button. Check it out. The fact that I was affiliated with them was kool too, but not as kool as an 'I'm Shitty' proclaimation to the world. Who doesn't want that?
Anyroad, this club accepted me, reluctantly I might add. Obviously being the kuncklehead that I am I start talking gibberish on their site cause I've had too much free time the past week. Not insulting anyone mind you, just talking about how awesome I am and various other random musings.
Anyways, the admin of this blog was a dude named Jeckles. His blog is quite the opposite of The SBC, which is more of a forum. People congregate here and make arbitrary comments on 'shitty' blogs, which means either its a good or bad blog but either way its 'shitty.' Go figure. They also have guest posts that get voted by the SBC members every month and as such, some lucky browneye gets the SBOTM award; (The Shitty Blog Of The Month Award). Needless to say, I was never one of these browneyes.
As I mentioned, recently I had spent more than my fair share of time at this forum, talking nonsense, primarily because I've been off work cause my good for nothing knee clonked out again. I swear at it profusely ALL the time. Atleast I don't need a caste and crutches like the last two times but it still smarts.
Anyway, after awhile I started to get some negative attention from the admin, then the rest of the SBC playas. They all began with, who is this Kabooke Quantum Fighter and what planet does he hail from? That wonder led them to my blog. Some of these peeps include my biggest groupies such as Mango, The Lady, whos anything but a Lady and this psycho The Blue Bitch who is literally the female version of a very dangerous convicted felon named Tyrone from some very hardcore jail. All these fruits began a sort of vendetta against me and my best mate Mango wanted to 'battle on-line.' Evern though I've spent the majority of last week at home, I don't think I spend nearly as much time on my blog as these guys.
Also, if you check the post Mango wrote about yours truly, there is a huge supporting cast that dislike me and my blog. Only a moron is going to spend hours online bickering with this army of knobs and obviously get tired and loose. And I'm pretty sure these guys didn't really look through my blog. I'm guessing they made snap judgements to express their solidarity with good ol Mango. And if you come to a blog with the intention of disliking it, you will dislike it. Simple really. I don't have a fan club. Mango is, in his own words, 'internet famous.' Not me. I'm infamous.
On top of all this, I'm almost certain a real friend of mine from back in the old country, SEAN, also commented on Mangos blog and called me a window licker. Sean, you are the only genius to come up with such a ceramonious compound word. You spilt the beans sweetheart.
Whats the point of all this you ask? Well, I quit the SBC, I'm pretty sure they're over it, there are a whole bunch of nasty comments on my blog, and I quite possibly have a REAL friend that is taking sides. What do I make of all this? Here it is.
I think people take this blog bullshit far too seriously. It should be an outlet rather than a crutch. Sometimes you crticize someones blog and they feel you just kicked them in the spine. I did, and it was pointless. It is just a compilation of some bullshit words, that people read and move on. Most blog I've seen are more personal online journals, and I can understand how they can obviously be more, personal. Therefore, these bloggers are more vulnerable to criticism because they are writing about their lives. If and when these blogs are criticized or god forbid ridiculed, it would hurt them more than say me, cause I try not to talk about my day to day life and write about pointless bullshit half the time.
I could be wrong. So as a thesis, I would like whoever bothers reading this post to show me a blog that has really and truly affected them, positvely or negatively, a blog you would tell your parents or friends about with excitement and passion. Do these blogs really make a difference to anyone but the author? Are there blogs out there that are truly inspiring? Is there such a blog? If so, show me.

ps: Oh I forgot to mention the most important thing, I'm leaving for LONDON TOMMOROW FOR 2 WEEKS OF DEBAUCHERY! Eeeeee je suis ainsi passionnant!

Bush knows I'm the shit-

2005-03-20T23:09:00.000-08:00

The Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU) gave Bush this heads up and he made this public statement recently-

MSN Turds-

2005-03-14T02:38:00.000-08:00

Well I'm sure a lot of you baddus use MSN. It is an invaluable tool to keep in touch and laugh, cry or swear at people through various flashy (and erotic) emoticons. Most people are kool on msn, they keep one name, either their real name or a trendy ass nick that they stick with for many years so that the turds can recongize their koolness. But offcourse there are the 'attention whores,' that pretend to be away, busy, keep changing their name or tell everyone that they are buttering some toast.
First off, if you fucking busy then don't log onto msn and tell people you are busy! Such an attention whore. 'Lookit me, I am a turd and want everyone to see that I am actually, a turd. A common msn turd will post; "busy 'doing huge project for school, do not msg me or I'll tell you to fuck off!'" I hate these cocks the most. If you are so busy, why bother logging on? Whenever I see these anuses online, I message them a million times and tell them that they suck balls and need to be dragon kicked every morning when they wake up. Busy my ass. They're just waiting for some juicy girl that they like to log on so that she will message and be like 'hey you, whatcha doing, you didn't call today, blah blah..' and they'll be like 'umm, no, I am too busy and too much of a flaming homosexual to reply. I have a big paper due but really I am watching Spongebob and picking my ass. Try again next time.' Yaaiss, now the girl thinks you are soo kool and busy. These people are legendary dickheads. I would love to plant remote mines all around their computers so that when they say they are busy, they are reallly busy, trying not to move a muscle or pass wind and blow themselves a new asshole.
Ok, then theres the name changers. Attention whores again. They change their name literally every 20 minutes according to which video game or movie they've been playing/watching and think the protagonist is just like them. Losers. No one cares that you think you are like Blanka or Tony Montana cause you smoke two spliffs and assume if you change your name on msn, people will think your slick. Hell no. It takes years of intensive training and gigantic nads to become slick.
And then there are the real fudgepackers that like to tell the world exactly what they're doing. Girls are quite partial to this form of buggery and might have things like 'Cutie Pony Puff gurrl tee hee - doing her nails and on the phone. If you are trying to call, call me at home cause I am so popular and pretty and and love the colour pink.' Holy shit, where is my rifle and my Cannibal Corpse cd. I will show them what my favourite colour is. If you want to declare to the world that you are such a waste of space you should take an add out in the classifieds, you will get far more attention. If you have just been cured of Lupus or have recently finished your tour of Iraq, then by all means tell us all about it, all ears. But if your having trouble saving a document on word or want to tell everyone on your list that you are having trouble with your shower curtains then no one really gives a toss.

The greatest logo mankind has ever seen-

2005-03-07T22:48:00.000-08:00

Edana is the koolest person on the planet. She made me DA BOMB logo. I love these ones the most out of all the ones shes made me, and that is a very hard task as they all roole like no tommorow.
Have a look:

Here is the blue one-

And the red one-

HOW AMAZING?!? Dont you just love these logo? Ya you do. I am sooo gonna print them out and put them on ALL my clothes. I am DEFINATELY gonna put this logo on my bass drum, it will look stupendous! All of you must comment on how epic these logos are visit Edanas new site Creative Ooze and tell her what a star she is.

In God I Trust-

2005-02-23T03:11:00.000-08:00

God appeared before me in a dream last night. He was totally ginormous. He was also wicked bright, like a gazillion h-bombs about to go off. Luckily I had my slick Arnett shades. He asked if I was hungry and I was. He said he’d take me to Mcdonalds. The hot Spanish lady behind the counter gave me the tastiest happy meal ever. God chilled with the Mctoy. It was Dash from the Incredibles.

Kabooke Quantum Fighter: OMG! That was the best happy meal EVER! OMG! You are right here! OH MY GAWD! I think I'm going to explode.

God: Relax yourself my son. All is good in the universe. I have appeared before you to put your mind at ease. Ask of me what you will.

KQF: Oh wowowow! Ok, first and MOST importantly, don’t you think Kabooke Quantum Fighter is THE GREATEST BAND NAME EVER!

God: Yes, it is a stellar name. But unfortunately it has already been used by a game for the Sega Genesis in 1991.

KQF: I know but can you pleaaseeee take care of the copyright laws for us? We’ll send half our profits from our first record to Greenpeace, even though I don’t like hippies.

God: Don’t worry my son, things will come together. Hippies were Vishnu’s idea. I’m not too fond of them either.

KQF: Excellent! (God and I do a high five). So have you heard our tuneskees? What am I saying, your God. Offcourse you have.

God: Yes and I am quite impressed. You have the makings of an excellent band.

KQF: I knew it. So it is safe to say we rule everything and everyone wants to be like us?

God: Yes. Yes it is.

KQF: Amazing! Uhm, also God, I reaaaally hate fruit flies and mosquitos. Can you kill them all right now?

God: Done.

KQF: Sweeeeeeet! Being God must rule so hard!

God: Yes it is great.

KQF: So what about all the stuff that’s going on in the world, all the natural disasters, famine, war, Bush being re-elected? Is the apocalypse coming or something?

God: The apocalypse is not what you think it is. It is actually going to be the biggest party ever. I am going to resurrect all the bands from the first Woodstock. Metallica will headline the next day and Tupac the next.

KQF: No way!! What an epic plan! But the Bible, Quran and Torah talk about how we’re all going to fry in lava and maggots will eat our intestines and everyone in the world will continuously barf on each other.

God: Those books were meant for people hundreds of years ago. People were stupid and ignorant then. They used to think the Earth was flat. I didn’t like them. Humans today impress me and smell better. I’ll give them a party instead. I’m God. I make the rules.

KQF: Bitchin'! Is Hitler going to be there so we can all urinate on him?

God: He mentioned he wanted to spin old reggae records. He’s really into it. He’s actually a pretty good Disc Jockey.

KQF: No way! Hitler is in heaven? How come?

God: I punished Hitler in hell like he never would’ve imagined. I let him in after awhile, he really wanted to bake me a cupcake. Bezelbub said they were very tasty. Alas he was right, they were quite tasty. Most everyone after they year 1066 is in heaven. The sinners go to hell for a while and then I let them through the gates.

KQF: That a greeeat policy. You really are A GOD!

God: I know.

KQF: So do you have any words of advice or predictions for me?

God: My advice to you is to keep working hard and dressing sharp. You are a very handsome and funny man. Pleasure as many desperate, disease free women as possible.

KQF: I am so on the case.

God: My prediction is that your band will become the most famous band in history. Then you will separate from them, learn the art of preying mantis kung fu and become the leader of the world. You will rule everything and everyone will love you.

KQF: OMG I knew it! I am all over learning kung fu!

God: Yes. You are my greatest creation, alongside Einstein and Jaffa Cakes.

KQF: I love Einstein and Jaffa Cakes too! We have so much in common!

God: Great things get along. I must leave now my child, I have to appear in an oil stain in Honduras.

KQF: Thanks God, you are the greatest.

God: No worries. Remember, you rule.

And that was my dream, really. God is so kool I want crap myself. If anyone needs any Godly advice aks me as I know whats up.

My band rules everything-

2005-02-08T04:34:00.000-08:00

Omg OMg OMG!!! eeeeeeeeeee!! I am so excited! I finally got my new drumkit and OMG I LOVE IT. I cant stop thinking about it! I am, literally, in love.
It is such a trojan of a kit. I have decided to name her Angelina and take care of her as if she was my very own hollywood actress. She is such a star, orangey oak colour, remo heads, all the toms have this lovely tonal sound, the snare isn't the picollo I wanted but is close enough, I can get this gorgeous tight ringing sound from it, the bass drum is neat and crisp and my cymbals, oh my cymbals. I got 16" zildjin mastersound hats, a 16" zildjin mastersound crash and a 20" zildjin K ride. They are wonderful, I couldn't ask for more. I feel like a 6 year old schoolgirl that just got a pony...on steroids. I will post a picture of my baby very soon.
Sadly my kit is at our new jam room so I can only play when we schedule a band practice but atleast now we can play for hours on end and get drunk in the process. Well I dont like to drink much while practicing cause I need my energy but my bandmates are all over it.
Anyhow Edana made me this spectacular logo for my band. In my last post I had mentioned a list of band names we were considering so I told her Lowkey (a.k.a Loki, God of mischief) was one of the favourites and this is the colossal piece she came up with. In how long you ask. Oh, only and hour-

What a legend. Thanks so much Edana! That was really sweet of her to take time out of her life and make this for us. If I were her I'd make logos for everything. The computer, underwear drawer, the bog, my dogs ass, everything. How epic would that be?!
Ok so yesterday we praticed for a bit and we actually go around to recording some of our stuff on Qbase (a recording/mixing program). We plugged in the guitar inputs through the amps straight into the computer and had one mic that was on the bass drum. We plan to use two more mics for the drums (drums are the hardest instrument to mic). They are all dynamic mics so they pick up everything in the room rather than focusing straight into whats in front of them. Therefore I will not get the crisp focused sound I want but it will definately suffice for now. Anyways we heard ourselves for the first time yesterday, albiet they weren't master tracks but we really sound good.
I will be posting our tunes on this site shortly. We also had this chick come in 2 nights ago who organizes gigs around town and she said she really dug our sheaat. So ya, I have a band, and we kick ass. All we need now is groupies, leather pants, lots of drugs, and more groupies. Actually I dont want drugs, or pants, I just want groupies.
I'm really liking the name Kabooke Quantum Fighter. Imagine on the radio the dj would be like 'guys, get ready, next we have a single from this hot and sexy band that the ladies go crazy for, the band that is sweeping the nation, Kabooke Quantum Fighter!' Epic you ask? I answer YAAAAIIIIS!

Week in review-

2005-01-29T22:22:00.000-08:00

Well, there have been sinister wheelings and dealings this week. We are literally a hop, skip and a jump away from getting our band 100% ready to rock it. We have been practicing for the past 3 months once or twice a week at this music shop that lets us use their back room which has a wonky Maxtone drumkit in it. But finally I have saved up enough dosh to buy a Yamaha stage custom 5 piece, ye! I am so excited.
This is my first proper proper drumkit, the last one I had was not worth pissing on, but this one is a stallion. It is a regular five piece, snare, 2 mounted toms, floor tom and bass drum but I am also forking out some extra dough to score a 16 inch zildjin crash, a 21 inch zildjin ride, 14 inch hi-hats and a double kick pedal. SIC! I am going to be next Danny Carey. Have a gander below:

Click here to see more details about the kit

Anyway, I am all set, I am going down to the shop tommorow, will pay the dude and walk out a happy man. My lead guitarist is almost done building a jam room in his back yard so we are going to be all over this shit like an allergic rash. We have yet to find a bassist but I just met this guy last nite that my rythm guitarist said was a good singer. He was a a large guy, had these wierd contacts on and bleached hair but seemed pretty chill. Anyhoot we will be jamming on Tuesday so let's see how it works out.
I watched Shaun of the Dead. Amazing flick, British humour is evil. Saw Envy also, was horrible, Ben Stiller is such a tool. Anyway I'm not much for this open diary shit but I'm buying a drumkit so everyone should know. Also we haven't finalized on a band name. Here are some of the options-

Guns'N'Baddus
Baddu Kombat (Baddu, by the by, is short for bedouine)
Baddu in Chains
Primal Baddu
Inefficient Labourer (can also substitute labourer for baddu here)
Suhagraat (Indian word for wedding nite, UNTZ!)
Pranaam (Indian synonym for basically, less get it on)
Lowkey (also a double meaning for the God of mischief, Loki)
Neccessary Evil
Ring-Moan
Pearl Diver
Smut Peddlar
The Staplers
Celladoor (my guitarists idea = gay)
Kabooke Quantum Fighter

So I need some help. Let me know which one of these names strikes a chord. Or if there are any other suggestion I am happy to hear em.

The Beast-

2005-01-17T01:38:00.000-08:00

It is the evilest, dirtiest and sexiest predator on the planet. It is none other than the awesome, the stupendous, the mahusively orgasmic: Great White Shark!
What a character. If I had one wish, it would be to be a Great White. No question.
I would hunt and chow down on the fattest person ever. I would chew through their cellulite like a fat kid eats jello. Mmmm, cellulite. But for reals, this fish has go to be the shit. It's a shame there are no mirrors in the ocean otherwise these dudes would always be like, 'dude, you rock.'
Since I was about 12 I have been scanning books, magazine articles and the internet for pictures of the biggest Great White ever caught on film. I have found one set of such pictures which I will share with you fools. Bask in the glory of this legendary beast.

This colossal demon was caught off the shores of Umhlanga, Durban, South Africa.
What a shame he is dead, really. It makes me sad that such a hot and ferocious animal isn't alive right now. The shark weighed in at about 1,160 kilograms, thats 1.16 tons of great white. Oh my god I am all over that shit. Huge animals rule! Especially the kind with ginormous teeth and attitude to match. Sharks are fast, the Mako is the fastest and can travel at 50 km/hr in the water. That is one fast torpedo.
The Great White can cruise to a speed of about half that, around 25-30 mph which is still pretty speedy. They never sleep (so literally, they never ever stop ruling!) The are usually solitary animals, although recent studies indicate that Great Whites do in fact work in packs when around seal colonies so as to keep the seals within a manageable radius around the island.

The animation above is footage of a predation off the coast of South Africa. Amazing!
My good friend and I have been planning a trip to South Africa for ages to jump in a cage and see one up close. I want to pull a tooth from the biggest stallion of a shark. That would rule. It's a whole package deal, go to Cape Town, get picked up, hotel, food, booze, the works. And then 6am the next morning up - coffee - shower - boat - cage - UNTZ!
The trip looks like it might come through around May - June, as long as we can get time off work and we budget accordingly. They migrate back to South Africa around May as it gets warmer so it should be keen. I am all over that shit like gravy on a chocolate biscuit. If there are any other shark junkies lets get it on. I am fully on board for starting the biggest shark fan club. Whos with me?!

Some pretty kool shark linkages-

Underwater Times

Great White Shark

Biggest Great White

80 Interesting factoids-

2005-01-11T03:24:00.000-08:00

Everyone needs to know a couple of useless facts to make their lady friends purr with awe or their male friends to jump them when they're moisturizing after a long hot bath.
Mosturizing chicks rule!

1. Ostriches are often not taken seriously. They can run faster than horses, and the males can roar like lions.

2. Sloths take two weeks to digest their food.

3. Guinea pigs and rabbits can't sweat.

4. Sharks and rays are the only animals known to man that don't get cancer. Scientists believe this has something to do with the fact that they don't have bones, but cartilage.

5. The porpoise is second to man as the most intelligent animal on the planet.

6. Human birth control pills work on gorillas.

7. Many sharks lay eggs, but hammerheads give birth to live babies that look like very small duplicates of their parents. Young hammerheads are usually born headfirst, with the tip of their hammer-shaped head folded backward to make them more streamlined for birth.

8. A group of twelve or more cows is called a flink.

9. You can tell the sex of a horse by its teeth. Most males have 40, females have 36.

10. Lyndon B. Johnson was the first president of the United States to wear contact lenses.

11. President Teddy Roosevelt died from an infected tooth.

12. When the Hoovers did not want to be overheard by White House guests, they spoke to each other in Chinese.

13. Robert Kennedy was killed in the Ambassador Hotel, the same hotel that housed Marilyn Monroe's first modeling agency.

14. Theodore Roosevelt was blind in his left eye.

15. An apple, onion, and potato all have the same taste. The differences in flavor are caused by their smell. To prove this - pinch your nose and take a bite from each. They will all taste sweet.

16. In South Africa, termites are often roasted and eaten by the handful, like pretzels or popcorn.

17. Table salt is the only commodity that hasn’t risen dramatically in price in the last 150 years.

18. Burger King® uses approximately 1/2 million pounds of bacon every month in its restaurants.

19. There are more than 200 kinds of chili peppers, none of which belong to the pepper family.

20. Ice cream was originally made without sugar and eggs.

21. Native Americans never actually ate turkey; killing such a timid bird was thought to indicate laziness.

22. In Bavaria, beer isn't considered an alcoholic drink but rather a staple food.

23. Beer is made by fermentation cause by bacteria feeding on yeast cells and then defecating. In other words, it's a nice tall glass of bacteria doo-doo.

24. Spam stands for Shoulder Pork and Ham.

25. Medical researchers contend that no disease ever identified has been completely eradicated.

26. The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples.

27. No one seems to know why people blush.

28. In 1972, a group of scientists reported that you could cure the common cold by freezing the big toe.

29. People who have a tough time handling the stress of money woes are twice as likely to develop severe gum disease, a new study finds.

30. Men have more blood than women. Men have 1.5 gallons for men versus 0.875 gallons for women.

31. The first Band-Aid Brand Adhesive Bandages were three inches wide and eighteen inches long. You made your own bandage by cutting off as much as you needed.

32. The human brain stops growing at the age of 18.

33. In 1977, a 13 year old child found a tooth growing out of his left foot.

34. It takes an interaction of 72 different muscles to produce human speech.

35. You lose enough dead skin cells in your lifetime to fill eight five-pound flour bags.

36. Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

37. The storage capacity of human brain exceeds 4 Terrabytes.

38. The Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland was a symbolic character for the hat makers in towns of the late 1800's. The large felt hats of the day had supports made out of lead. The lead caused an organic form of psychosis (brain damage) to develop in the hat makers causing them to be declared crazy.

39. Although your system cannot digest gum like other foods, it won't be stuck inside of you forever. It comes out with other waste your body can't use.

40. The substance that human blood resembles most closely in terms of chemical composition is sea water.

41. Most toilets flush in E flat.

42. In the band KISS, Gene Simmons was "The Demon", Paul Stanley was "Star Child", Ace Frehley was "Space Man", and Peter Criss was "The Cat.

43. Dark Side of The Moon (a Pink Floyd album) stayed on the top 200 Billboard charts for 741 weeks! That is 14 years.

44. No one knows where Mozart is buried.

45. Jim Morrison found the name "The Doors" for his rock band in the title of Aldous Huxley's book "The Doors of Perception", which extolls the use of hallucinogenic drugs.

46. John Lennon named his band the Beatles after Buddy Holly's 'Crickets.'

47. The Beatles played the Las Vegas Convention Center in 1964. Some 8,500 fans paid just $4 each for tickets.

48. "Mr. Mojo Risin" is an anagram for Jim Morrison.

49. In the Durango desert, in Mexico, there's a creepy spot called the "Zone of Silence." You can't pick up clear TV or radio signals. And locals say fireballs sometimes appear in the sky.

50. Ethernet is a registered trademark of Xerox, Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T.

51. Bill Gates' first business was Traff-O-Data, a company that created machines which recorded the number of cars passing a given point on a road.

52. Uranus' orbital axis is tilted at 90 degrees.

53. Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.

54. Every year about 98% of atoms in your body are replaced.

56. Hot water is heavier than cold.

57. Plutonium - first weighed on August 20th, 1942, by University of Chicago scientists Glenn Seaborg and his colleagues - was the first man-made element.

58. If you went out into space, you would explode before you suffocated because there's no air pressure.

59. The radioactive substance, Americanium - 241 is used in many smoke detectors.
Sound travels 15 times faster through steel than through the air.

60.On average, half of all false teeth have some form of radioactivity.

61. Only one satellite has been ever been destroyed by a meteor: the European Space Agency's Olympus in 1993.

62. A ball of glass will bounce higher than a ball of rubber. A ball of solid steel will bounce higher than one made entirely of glass.

63. An ordinary TNT bomb involves atomic reaction, and could be called an atomic bomb. What we call an A-bomb involves nuclear reactions and should be called a nuclear bomb.

64. Androphobia is a fear of men.

65. Caligynephobia is a fear of beautiful women.

66. Pentheraphobia is a fear of a mother-in-law.

67. Scopophobia is a fear of being looked at.

68. Phobophobia is a fear of fearing.

69. Mageiricophobia is the intense fear of having to cook.

70. Papaphobia is the fear of Popes.

71. Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive.

72. Clinophobia is the fear of beds.

73. The English word pajamas has it's origin in Persian. It is a combination of the Persian words pa (leg) and jamah (garment).

74. The ZIP in zip code stands for "Zone Improvement Plan."

75. Punctuation was not invented until the 1500's.

76. Approximately sixty circus performers have been shot from cannons. At last report, thirty-one of these have been killed.

77. The Boeing 767 aircraft is a collection of 3.1 million parts from 800 different suppliers around the world: fuselage parts from Japan, center wing section from Southern California, flaps from Italy.

78. It took Leo Tolstoy six years to write "War & Peace".

79. On average, there are 333 squares of toilet paper on a roll.

80. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

Epic. I love the one about how flushes are in E flat. I am fully going to stand by my bog with my guitar and say, 'gimme an E.' Woosh! Yaais!
If anyone has any other interesting / tittilating facts or stories please comment-

The Sopranos-

2004-12-14T02:58:00.000-08:00

Ma jiggas. Whats what ladies? Had a busy couple of weeks ruling. Went abroad for the weekend, did some binazz, had a few laughs, stopped off to visit my grieving extended family for 8 hrs (death in the family) and then flew back to work my ass off the next day. The subcontinent is still a hole. Re-route all further plans to go there to Bali or Tibet. The Dalai Lama is definately my homie and we're quite tight. I shave his head every 6 months. He's all about it.
Anyhoot, enough with the horseradish. I'm going to talk about the greatest show to enter all my cortexes since my birth. Which also ruled.
I am talking about the almighty, Sopranos. What a show. I usually cannot sit through an hour of seethingly hot sex (even though the ladies are always ready to get down) much less some ass tv drama which usually ends up being inconclusive and a waste of sperm. But this show has it all, sex, drugs, rock n roll, mobsters, gumas, power struggles and most of all balls. I love shows with balls. Dudes with no fear that do what needs to be done and deliver bad ass one liners at exactly the right time while holding their ginormous Italian guts, with pride. Legend. If you have watched the show, at some points it may seem as though there is no real continuity to it. I have figured out there is not really meant to be a consistenty to the whole thing, except for Tony's sessions with Dr. Melfi. You can put together the important aspects of the show through paying attention to what is said in that room between Tony and his shrink. Those are the dots to connect, so to speak. I love the cinematography in this show also, it is almost addictive. It is warm, yet serious. The lighting director really got his shit down cause the atmospheres are so well put together and truly act as a seperate tangible character in the show.
Tony Soprano naturally is my role model. I wan't a sensai like him. He would make an excellent ninja. All he needs is an extra large ninja suit, a pair of nunchukos and a desert eagle. Hes the strong silent type, doesn't take shit from nobody.
The guy is really an aspiration of mine because he has so much shit to deal with. He has a crew to run, he has family politics, has the feds on his ass and usually has to make some fucked up decisions to keep both his families working as a cohesive unit. Look at the picture of Tony above. Imagine him right in your face, eyes locked on yours, breathing heavily and pissed off beyond belief and gruffly saying "I'm the motherfucking fucking one who calls the shots." Not too loud, not too soft, just right. He says that to Richie Aprile at a mall when he gets out of hand and Richie finds out whats up. The guy is literally the man.
In the end I am a sucker for that overriding theme of honour within these mob flicks/books/shows where if people squeal or dont pay up, no matter who they are, they will get theirs. There are no exceptions to certain fundamental rules and everyone has to live by the fucking sword. Ninja styles baby. That shit is epic, seriously. You have an intelligent, fast paced and riveting plot with an explosive sub-plot of mafia ethics that eventually become a staple throughout the show. And as sleazy, dirty or grotesque as the characters get, there is always that sense of honour that binds their family together in that there is a set stable hierarchy, loyalty to superiors, a certain pride in your vocation and most of all incentive to do what needs to be done. I wish I had staff/colleagues like that. Incompetence is a shrine that all these jockstraps bow down to every morning. They cant do anything right. But in the Sopranos you have to do it right as there is very little room for error when doing business outside the law.
One can learn a lot from taking some business know how out of these shows, especially if you are running a company that involves lots of staff and therefore, politics. Laying down the law and knowing what to do and when to do it is Tony's speciality and he commands respect. It is a surefire way to get shit done, which is really what the fuck we are doing on this Earth. To get done what needs to be done, done. That is the simple beauty that keeps me watching this sic, sic show. I hope season 6 is still in the works!

The Matrix-

2004-11-25T03:26:00.000-08:00

The other night my buddy and I were driving around trying to find a place to enjoy the genius weather that night and have a couple of drinks. Turned out every place we went to everyone had the same idea, tons of goons in every bar, sitting outside and doing what I should be doing. So we decided to go back to his, pop open some Hennesey and JD and do it up. I am starting to really enjoy Hennesey once I learnt that the trick is to take small sips, roll it around under your tounge and smoke a tasty monte cristo fine cut. It sounds quite regal but it really is quite slick once you get accustomed to the jet fuel taste.
Anyways, we ended up getting progressively more and more sloshed and then I mentioned for the millionth time how unbelieveably epic all three matrix movies were. He whole heartedly agreed and we proceeded to talk about it again for the next two hours, without interruption.
We tried to look at it objectively this time and tried to figure out if the Wachowski brothers actually understood the mega implications of this piece of cinematic history. The core premise of these movies is about a dual reality, a computer simulation that has fooled the majority of the human population. But once you start to ponder the process by which this program works is where the infinte loops kick in. One of the aspects which confused me is that the program only uses humans as their energy source after the humans cut off their primary source of energy, the sun. All of this is much better explained in the Animatrix episode titled The Second Renaissance part 1.
Why is it they do not use the many other forms of thermal, kinetic and electric energy that can be sourced from all the animals (and plants) on earth. We realized that a being needs to be concious to emit a certain level of energy which really explained why there was in fact a simulation to make humans believe that they were in modern day reality. Why not just have humans as fuel cells without implementing another reality for them? Wouldn't that save time and evergy for the machines? The simple answer is: a comatose patient usually dies within a week and his/her energy output is minimal as there is minimal brain or body activity. Radiation is the emission of heat from the body in the form of waves, a process responsible for half of all heat lost by the body. For this an intake of glucose and oxygen is needed which comatose patients are capable of, but the distribution of these things are (depending on what stage of coma) inefficient.
This is why everyone in the matrix had to be in a constant state of awareness of reality, because if they weren't they would literally be as useful as a dead battery.
It is the similar for animals. As far as we know they do not have a conscience. Again this point has been debated throughout the centuries but from a quantitative and qualitative point of view, it would seem as if they do not really have an defined conscience i.e. the knowledge of ones thoughts and actions and the reprucussions of those actions, both in the long and short term. In reference to the matrix, they would not be effective sources of energy as the matrix could not write a program for a monkey, elephant or a platypus for them to believe they are in their own reality whilst delivering the same output of energy in the machine world.
Another reason that humans are cultivated for their energy is because they multiply exponentionally. It is relatively easy for the machines to fertilize a human egg and incubate it to maturity without much effort. Agent Smith tears this shit apart with this legendary quote:

'I would like to share a revelation with you, that I had, during my time here. It came to me when I was trying to classify your species. I found out that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with its surrounding enviroment. But you humans do not. Instead, you multiply, until every living thing is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet, that follows the same pattern, do you know what it is? A virus. You humans are a disease, a cancer on this earth, you're a plague. And we, are the cure.'
Pure genius. It makes sense why the machines would manufacture and use our energy instead of any other living organism. A lot more is going to be said about these ideas in the coming weeks. Any valid commentary is welcome.

Views and reviews-

2004-11-21T02:52:00.000-08:00

Firstly, I finished Ninja Gaiden (by Tecmo). How much kooler can 1 guy be? I smell great (new body wash with ginko extract, sweeeeeeeeeeet), talk about funky shit and I'm a ninja, cause this game is so fucking hard, you have to be a ninja to complete it. The other day a fly came and sat near my soup and I totally sliced him in half with my elbow.
There are absolutely no cheats to this game and it starts at normal difficulty so if anyone ever tells me its easy or they 'finished it in like two days dude' I am going to flying sparrow kick them in the kidney. It took me a month and a bit to finish and gave some serious mental anguish. However, it is by far, by faaaaaaaar the best first person ass kicking game ever made. It is exclusively for the Xbox so therefore 90% of you fairies can't play it cause you have lame ps2s that are so 2001.
The basic premise is that you are Ryu Hayabusa who is the exalted leader of the ancient Dragon Lineage, now known as the Hayabusa Ninja Clan. You carry the infamous Dragon Sword, that is so powerful and hot that it can split a solitary pube into dozens of slices of fresh pineapple and you wouldn't even know it.
It is very much like the old Ninja Gaiden series for the SNES that were so popular back in the day (and by back in the day I mean mid ninties, when gameplay was what it was all about). The only difference is that this one KICKS ASS! The graphics (and the art) are enough to cream yourself for the entire week. So smooth, so crisp and so fast, no wonder it wasn't released on the ps2. Ryu looks like a true ninja, fully black, pumped like a bastard and equipped with all the ninja goodies like shuriken (ninja stars), nunchukos, vigoriaan flails (nunchukos with hardcore blades on the end to rip many new oriphuses) war hammer and many other dirty dirty weapons. The other thing about this game that makes me touch myself all over is that it has archery! Instead of using automatic pistols and rifles with auto aim which every other game in this category has, Ryu does it up ninja stylee with a bow and arrow, and I completely condone archery to be one of the slicker forms of hunting, and romance.
You also use many forms of ninpo (ninja magic) that range from lightning attacks, ice attacks and the all mighty fireball attacks that can help to eliminate those fucking muppets that think they can fuck wid you. You are a ninja damn it!
There all sorts of baddies in this game, dragons, dinosours, spider ninjas, vigorian emperors, the fucking devil. But no one can step up to Ryu cause he is the shit and will slice and dice their monkey ass. Anyways I can go on and on about this game for another month cause there is so much to tell but I just want to re-iterate that it is very different to most of the bet-em-up titles out there. The save points are few and far between so you have to carry on with your mission for a while sometimes, money is also scarce and equipment (like elixirs of life, devil elixirs) which are life and magic potions are also not so common. Alot of foresight and long term planning is needed for this game to complete and you really have to be quick. There is no time to admire the scenery, just slash, whirl and slap the bitches that come in your way. Alma is the hardest wench in the game (level 6 boss), it took me a week just to kill that skank and I almost gave up. But the dragon ninja star stuck deep inside my anus at birth started to rotate incessently and told me to pick up that controller and slash and sodomize her only the way a ninja would.
I saw shark tale. It rooled quite a bit. They caught De Niro so well, I was falbbergasted. I didn't know about having the main guy as a brother, although the mc hammer dance was quite rad.
Ok over and out. If anyone wants any tips on NG lemme know, I am now a master ninja and can solve all your ninja problems.

Mission: Halo 2. Status: Complete

2004-11-06T22:47:00.000-08:00

Holy christmas, this game is explosive. Microsoft and Bungie have done it again. Combat evolved, too right.
My kickass sidekick and I started at midnight and were up till 3am the other night and we finally finished the bastard. It was by far one of the most draining experiences of my life. I dont think it has officially been released in the U.S. or Canada (release date Nov 9th I believe, although in Europe it is on already on sale) yet but I got my grubby little hands on an advanced copy ;).
For those of you who are familiar with the original Halo for the Xbox know that it is a one of a kind first person shooter with a plethora of weapons, baddies and vehicles to use and abuse. It is similar to games like Counterstrike and the Quake/Doom series in many ways except it is alot more interactive and there is a gargantuan plot that involves humans, many forms of aliens and a potential for a galactic holocaust.
Even the basic premise of this game seems far too complex to grasp, what seems obvious is that there are three campaigns; humans, aliens and baddie aliens. To make it clearer, the game is best played in co-operative mode i.e. you and a friend play split screen and; co-operate. Throughout the game, you randomly (it seems) switch between a human and an alien campaign. Now all in all there is no difference between them while playing, they do not move any faster or slower or jump any higher or lower that each other. The only difference is that you have a couple of different weapons with each and can use camouflage with the aliens and a cheapshit flashlight for humans and both features keep klonking out every 15 seconds. Of what can we could gather, the plotline involves a giant planet sized Halo floating around in space that the humans, aliens and baddie aliens are trying to monopolize on so as to control the fate of their particular galaxy (it could be the Milky Way, I'm not sure.) Anyway, the story is somewhat epic, biblical even with high councils, convenants, prophets and huge armies, all to acquire the key to the Halo. Again, the story is so grandiose it is hard to really step back and look at the whole picture, only through cut scenes (which were quite long) can you piece together whats what. And plus the game I have is in French (due to release only in Europe) so we had to read subtitles and translate the non-subtitle bits throughout the game such as; 'vite vite, tout suite!'
The gameplay though I can tell you about. The graphics are as usual, disgusting. Crisp, smooth, use of lights and shadows, the works, and the fluidity of the various enviroments (water, trees, grass) is exceptional. As I said it is a one of a kind fps, lots of guns and vehicles, lots of baddies, low gravity (high jumping), destructible enviroments and amazing, absolutely amazing artificial intelligence.
The programmers must have had countless sleepless nights over the AI because the basic engine for the game is the same, as are the characters, the weapons and the maps are somewhat similar too but the AI is mind boggling. The insane amount of variables you'd have to declare and the ginormous probability trees all lead to a smarter, more annoying alien that can read your patterns and counteract them. For example, you throw a grenade at the smarter ones (the apes in this game are the hardest) and they will throw it back at you. They will also hide when you shoot, attack in random group formations and use cover when sniping your ass. That was one of the most challenging (and rewarding) aspects of this game.
Anyways, my friend and I put in some long long nights and I think we clocked in around 16-18 hours to complete the bitch, mainly because you cannot save a game in the middle of a level, you have to finish it to save, and each level takes roughly between 2 to 4 hours to complete. It was a very draining game and honestly I don't think I've worked that hard at anything, including school, work or relationships. You need to keep your wits about you and not itch the trigger finger cause this shit is hardcore and non-stop. I highly reccomend it for Xbox owners who have atleast one friend that is sharp and ready to grenade, shoot and blow through this game like a raging flaming bulldozer. It requires alot of patience, a lot more skill and tons more teamwork than any other game before it.

Attention whores-

2004-11-01T06:15:00.000-08:00

I hate attention whores. They will suck up attention like a toothless crack ho chows down on a dirty jundhis prong. They usually have one friend, back in the old country and annoy other kool ass studs by calling them couple times a day and making bullshit small talk. A typical turd will call and say:
'wazaaaaa'
the other guy (assume its me, because I rule, hard) 'damnit bitch whaddya want?'
'nada guy, what're you sayin, what're you wearing, who're you with, what did you eat for breakfast, when was the last time you left a chocolate log in the crapper?'
'uhh im saying i'm busy and you suck balls.'
'oh lol, your so funny and hot, but dude where are you?'
'i'm at band practice with a couple of groupies that want me so bad.'
Now the dude feels left out and reflects on the fact that he has no life and he is kool meter is below zero.
'Reaaaaaally, hows that going? Which chicks man, do I know them?'
'Hell no bitch. Ok i gotta go, suck an egg.'
Completely ignoring what a lord he is he carries on with his inane questions 'so what else is new?'
'Get fucked.'
Click.
That is usually how to deal with attention whores. These people also make it very apparent when they get a call on their mobile. You might be out with them one night out of pity and they will get a call from their mom to pick up some tooth picks and they will increase their voice by a couple of decibels, stand atop a table and make it known that they are high ranking dorks.
'Heey, whats up? No nothing, just chilling with some good buddies. Ya ok, I will get on that. Ok me too, give me a ring later ok. EeeZee. Peace out. Live long and prosper, (add bullshit goodbye synonym)'
And thats their mom. What a turd. These are the times I want to grease the strong pimp hand and bitchslap these fockers, like when your playing backcourt tennis and backhand the ball crosscourt. Bam, out cold. But what can you do, pity is a vice for the needy.
These are also the kind of losers that spend hours on their phones fucking around with the same functions they've seen a thousand times, playing some lame dot matrix games, checking out dipshit annoying ringtones or text messaging other sorry ass homos about being such a huge bellend.
These guys are also pretty jaded about the fact that they are sad ass goons with no substance. You can repeatedly tell them they are pubes but their frontal lobes are wired to their colon so everything that you tell them goes straight to their ass. They get fat off insults.
'Dude you know that you are a sad goon and we only hang out with you cause you have money and buy us pitchers and food?'
'Lol dude your always cracking jokes. Too funny man, when do you let up.'
'Haha shits n giggles. Cheap thrills n shit.'
Ring ring.
'Oh man, thats my phone,' checks his mob and its some dude that wants his copy of Hustler back. 'Dude I gotta take this, hold up.'
'Whatever.'
'Yooooo man, how you been? Long time no hear. Ya I still got it. But what're you up to? You busy? What're you wearing? Eat at breakfast, log in crapper etc?'
'Fuck asshole I just want my copy of hustler back so I can rock my cock for twenty minutes. Come and drop it off before I come there and kick you in jewels.'
'No worries man. I will definately drop by later so we can chill and catch up. It has been a long time hasn't it? Ya man, too long. I will be by soon, I'm really really busy right now cause I'm pretending to be kool but I am a sad anus with no friends.'
'Whatever slut just get the fucking shit back to me asap.'
'You got it bro, I will pop by asap. We will chill, light up some wacky tabackies and kick back. Ai'ites ez, peace, wurd'
Meanwhile the guy had hung up long ago, and the poor bastard is left talking to a dialtone.
Now I know its mean to ostracize these bitches but it is neccessary. They usually have learning disorders and hardcore self esteem issues of daddy not bottle feeding them at the age of 10, so they latch on to wicked kool dudes that treat them like ballcheese so they can feel worthless again and burn themselves at night while listening to old Radiohead cds. Poor guys, but need to be uppercutted until they either become kool or piss off. Post your comments, are you a sad pube or a kick ass stud?

ps: Undoubtedly people are going to think that I am also indeed a whore for attention by spending time on building this bad ass website and wanting people to look at it and tell me that I am a sic ass pimp. The difference is that I am putting something out there that requires a tad bit of creativity and a hell of a lot of sex appeal and these dudes just trapse around all day and don't do much. Theres a lot of criticism that articles like these (or any of the articles on my page) can generate but the key is to have a big wank and make use of those anal beads you got for xmas before/while you read them so you don't get too worked up and start pointing out inconsistencies and/or analysing my bad ass styles.

God damn it

2004-10-24T23:33:00.000-07:00

Wow, I am so pissed. Driving is fucking ridiculous.
Hey, lets pave some long ass roads where lots of jerk off drivers in tin boxes speed around at 200 kilometers per hour. Humans are so fucking fragile. My friend Ahmed Superman ate some cashews and was sick for ten days. After eating fucking cashews! Holy crap, I hate driving. I am so scared some jundhi loser is going to be late for work one morning, gets on the freeway and drops his de caffinated cheap ass instant coffee on his value village pants. His crotch is going be on fire and he won't want to look like a bigger flamer than he is at work and will start trying to absorb the hot liquid with flicks of his dumbass hand, while obviously taking his eyes of the road. Low and behold I am in front of him, observing the speed limit, listening to At The Gates and looking like a bad ass. Dude doesn't see me obviously, keeps accelerating (because he sucks, like his forefathers sucked) cause he can only concentrate on one menail task at a time, and crash, bang, zoink. My sweet ride is totalled, my sexy ass is not as round and juicy due to loss of blood and the asshole that hit me speeds off because he doesn't have insurance.
Seriously, driving is fucking ridiculous.

Angelina Jolie is a Goddess

2004-10-24T01:53:00.000-07:00

Oh my god Angelina Jolie is so fine. No, she is not fine, she is gorgeous, spectacular, Godly even. And my standards for Godliness are high, cause I mylself am the centre of the universe.
But damn, the woman is genius. Those eyes. Even through a picture she looks like shes going to rip our your heart and suck on it with her gorgeous lips. I just want to eat her up with a spoon.
I wonder what she does when shes not working. I know she adopted a Cambodian kid called Maddox and dresses him up all punk n shit, but she must have a couple of nannies on diaper patrol and buying him the lastest Baby FCUK gear. What does she do on her downtime. I heard somewhere she likes the heavy shit. My nuts started tingling and bowels started rumbling. That makes her even kooler than I thought. Plus shes an ambassador of goodwill with the U.N, and she has a sic pad in the rainforests of Cambodia. No tv, radio, just rhesus monkeys and plenty of pho soup. She is definately kicks ass.
However, I am usually dissapointed when I see her flicks. She looks disgustingly brilliant in all of them but her roles have yet to give the motivation to truly appreciate her acting talents. Apart from Girl, Interrupted and offcourse Hackers (actually, she was kinda lame in that too, all rebel and dark but really a pink bunny on the inside) her movies blow. Maybe Alexander will get a thumbs up. The tomb raiders were too over the top, even for that genre. She pulls out an envelope and jumps off a skyscraper, and suddenly the envelope becomes a full fledged handglider. Barf.
I know if we met she would totally get down with me. I am so rad and she would think that as soon as she saw me and my fresh skills. Dyaam, I can just picture it now, she would come over, I would step out of my house and say 'you look stunning this evening;' put on the slickass British accent, and then impress her with all my kool tricks and skills. She wants me so bad, she just doesnt know it yet.